Discouragement, Honesty, Trust, Faith and Cooking…

I used to write. A lot. Then life happened.

Stuff like a wedding, moves, jobs all got in the way. Then something else got in the way; Discouragement.
I lost my job last May. I got another one, and it fell apart within a month, finding out that I was caught up in an ongoing scam that includes years of people not getting paid, which I am now among.

That was in August, and I have been unemployed, looking for work since, while having the husband applying to med school. If you don’t know about applying to med school, here are the main things you need to know about the process: It’s an expensive, uncertain to the max, and stressful year-long process.

So, with no job, no money, huge question marks over us for the next year, huge expenses, it has been a challenging time. Add to it often feeling invisible in the job market, often being told that I am extremely impressive and won’t have any problem finding a job  by people turning me down, and I have at times over the last several months felt overwhelmed, sad, useless, and hopeless.

At times, well-meaning people have made me feel even worse with “encouragement”. They didn’t mean to, they meant to be helpful, but when all anyone talks about to you, or in relation to you is about your failure to get a new job, it feels like that is your identity. Failure.

Due to this, I found that I didn’t think I had much to add to anything by writing. Sometimes, I just wanted to hide.

I’ve decided to start writing again though. Really, what do I have to lose? What I hope to gain is a bit of purpose for myself, some fun, and perhaps to be able to help others, whether it be life lessons, or cooking lessons.

There are a few things I’ve learned through these last few months:

1. I’ve learned to trust my husband more. I hate finances and money. It’s my biggest anxiety causer, as it is, I would guess, for many. He doesn’t flinch, and just makes it happen. I can’t even tell you the last time I looked at the bank account. He just takes care of that, and while I still have a bit of concern about money, I trust he will take care of it. While money problems are often a reason for many couples to suffer division, it has helped bring us together, although we have had our bumps along the way. We have a trust in each other born from adversity from this experience that many couples may never experience. We don’t have much, and fancy dinners etc aren’t in our vocabulary, but we have been able to learn to be content in just being with each other, no frills needed.

2. I’ve learned to trust God more. This is an ongoing battle for me. You see, God has not always just magically made things happen for me in my life. I hate the notion of “prosperity gospel”. God has blessed me in many ways, but for most my life, money has not really been one. Money does not equal God’s care or blessing. I’ve had many times when money was desperately needed, and did not show up. In this situation we find ourselves in, provision has shown up from some of the most unexpected places. The more I trust God, the more He has been faithful, though I really wish his plan for my job would be shown soon. Like, really soon.

3. I am a creator at my core. I am happiest when I am creating. Whether it be dinner, friendships, building furniture, crafts, writing… whatever. My favorite phrase is “I made it”. Cooking has often been my sole area of feeling accomplished in the past few months. Nights out together or with friends have become a rare treat, so cooking good food at home has become my passion. I have pinned hundreds of recipes. I’ve invented recipes. Our nights out are more about a break and convenience than the actual food, because, frankly, I can probably make it better. Except Ortiz’s burritos… they put crack in those things. This has also led to me working out a lot more, cause “fat and happy” is a misnomer.

So look out, I am going to be blogging a lot more… next time, less deep stuff, more yummy stuff! My chicken velvet soup recipe to be exact…